"Sticketh that in yer pipe and smote it!"

(An interesting interview )

Hermione Granger, 5th year Gryffindor Prefect at Hogwarts, interviews some well-known residents of Middle-earth.

Hermione: Hello, everyone! Thanks for being here.
Frodo: The pleasure is all mine.
Legolas: Well met, my fair lady. *winks* Its an honor to be in the presence of such a beautiful young maiden.
Hermione: *blushes* Oh, hehe...well thank you Legolas. So what was it like being the only elf in the fellowship?
Legolas: Well, it was an honor and privelage to represent my people. Of course, I never meant any elf maidens that could compare to you. *charming smile and winks again*
Hermione: hehe, well yes of course. *sighs* And you are such a wonderful fighter and...
Frodo: hey, aren't you supposed to be asking all of us questions?
Hermione: uh...yes of course. So Pippin, what was it like being in the presence of Gandalf?
Pippin: Gandalf? bah! That ol' wizard was nothin' but a showoff, eh. He was always talkin' aboot his great knowledge and how he was the best thing since pipeweed, and he always blamed me for everthing! "Stupid hobbit!" he would say, yoo' know. Fool of a Took this, Fool of a Took that. I never got no respect, eh. Gandalf, well he was just a crazy, ol' Fool of a wizard! So there! Go stick that in yer pipe and smoke it!
Merry: smoke what? I want some...
Hermione: oh my.. I sense you have some issues Pip.
[Gandalf enters]
Gandalf: Why, hullo dear Peregrin. Where you talking about me?
Pippin: uhhh no...[mutters something]
Hermione: Oh Gandalf! Its a pleasure to meet you sir. Can I ask you a few questions?
Gandalf: Of course, my dear. Afterall I am [dramatic music] Gandalf the...White.
Hermione: How did you become one of the greatest wizards in Middle-earth?
Gandalf: Let me tell you alittle known fact, I am actually a Hogwarts graduate myself. Class of '23 in fact, Prefect too.
Hermione: Oh my! Really?!? What house were you in?
Gandalf: Gryffindor of course. That is the best house, isn't it?
Hermione: yes, of course. Ok I have a question for Eowyn. What is it like being a woman in Middle-earth?
Eowyn: Well Hermione, at first its like kinda boring you know. I was really bored with my life and after I met Aragorn, I was like "Whoa what a hunk". Ok well he totally dissed me and so I did what any girl would do in that situation. I disguised myself as a warrior and kicked some major @$$. And I even got married along the way.
Hermione: wow, very inspiring.
Faramir: Yes, my dear Eowyn is a wonderful maiden whom I admire most admiringly.
Hermione: That's wonderful Faramir, that you too met like that.
Faramir: Yes, and I would just like to say that I am often forgotten or left out and--
Hermione: Oh look its Merry! Hello Merry, how are you?
Merry: Hullo! How is everything at Hogwarts?
Hermione: Oh, er, very fine thanks. Hopefully Gryffindor will win the Quidditch cup again.
Merry: Quidditch, eh? I tried playing that once but I wasn't very good. I think I'm too short.
Pippin: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Hermione: Err..ok. Well back to some questions. [Pippin proceeds to drink a pint of ale] So Gimli, I heard that you and Legolas became best friends?
Gimli: Aye, that's right, lass. At first, I was greatly annoyed by his Elvish behaviors, they are strange folk, ya' know. But after meeting the fair beauty of Lady Galadriel, well...sigh...
Legolas: *rolls his eyes* Oh come on, she's married Gimli!
Gimli: Yer just jealous! That she should give me a lock of her silky hair and all you got was a bow.
Legolas: It was an Elvish bow, thank you very much.
Hermione: So Legolas, how do you feel about Gimli?
Legolas: Well, he is actually quite polite by dwarf standards and smells rather better than most dwarfs.
Gimli: Aye, thank yee, lad. [pats Legolas on the shoulder]
Legolas: HEY! Watch the hair! It took me forever to get it like that.
Gimli: He's not kidding too. Try being roommates with him. He spends all the time in the bathroom. *shakes his head*
Hermione: I see. [random noises coming from Pippin]
Frodo: Hey, aren't you gonna ask ME some questions. Afterall I am the freakin' hero!
[Frodo storms out]
Sam: Yes Mr. Frodo is a brave and noble hobbit. The world must thank him for his wonderous deeds.
Merry: Uh, Sam, Frodo left.
Sam: Oh. Well that #!@*$%& loser is so #!@*$%& stupid! I mean he #!@*$%& complains about #@!* and expects ME to #!@*$%& do #!@*$%& everything!!!! What the #!@*$%& is wrong with that #!@*$%& son of a #!@*$%& #@!$*, and #!@*$%& quest #!@*$%& #!@*$%& of a #!@*$%&....[this goes on for a few minutes]
[Frodo comes back]
Sam: Oh, hullo, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Oh Sam, I'm so glad you're with me.
Pippin: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
[King Elessar enters with Arwen]
Hermione: Oh! It's Aragorn!
Aragorn: Greetings, lady Hermione. Such an honor. How may I assist you?
Hermione: Well I was wondering what its like to rule Middle-earth?
Aragorn: Oh..that. Well its a very noble and honorous profession that takes great responsibility. Oh, who am I kidding? Its #!@*$% boring. Oh how I miss my ranger days. Being all rugged, independent, and a wicked fighter. sigh...
Hermione: Oh my. So you like being a ranger better?
Aragorn: Yes of course. But I think the real question is... what's up with Crabb and Goyle??
Hermione: Uh, what? Excuse me??
Aragorn: You know, Draco's "friends". Crabb and Goyle. They are always together. They even went to the Yule Ball together. I think there's something going on between those two.
Hermione: You know about the Yule Ball?
Aragorn: Of course, I have a subscription to the Daily Prophet. I told you, being King is boring.
[Pippin is now dancing on a table, singing]
Pippin: "...better than rain or rippling brook, is a mug of beer inside the Took!"
Hermione: Oh my, is he ok?
Frodo: Don't worry, that always happens after he drinks a pint.
Gimli: Aye, I dare say he's wasted.
[Smoke is coming from Merry's direction]
Hermione: Uh, Merry. What are you doing?
Merry: umm...Nothing! [whispers "To the left, the LEFT!"]
Frodo: [mutters something about "the goods"]
Arwen: Legolas is mah baby's daddy!!
Aragorn: WHAT?!?
Legolas: *winks*
Arwen: HAAA! Just kidding! We totally got you.
Aragorn: yeah, yeah. You did. Funny.
Pippin: Leg'las ish mah baby's dadda!
Legolas: Whoaaa! I don't know what you're talking about man.
Hermione: umm...this is kinda awkward.
[Sauron enters]
Sauron: yo! whut up my peeps!
Frodo: Hey Saury, what's up?
Sauron: I just wanted to let you know that I have no hard feelings against you. I mean, all I did was lose my ring. I even put up posters and had a reward. I just wanted it back. And then your crazy uncle finds MY ring and do you give it back? NO! You destroy the thing. Did I ever take anything of yours and destroy it? I think not. But seriously, no hard feelings. It's all good.
Frodo: Oh right. Sorry about that.
Sauron: But that was pretty fun though, wasn't it? I mean I did almost get you. Well are we still hanging out at The Prancing Pony tonight?
Frodo: Of course.
Sauron: Sweet. Later! [leaves]
Frodo: That Sauron. Always good for a laugh.
Hermione: Ok, about my interview?
[Pippin passes out on top of Aragorn]
Aragorn: Get this hobbit off of me!!
[everyone starts to hear some weird rhyming]
Tom: Ho! Hum! La a dilly dum!
Everyone: AHHHHHHH!!!! Holy Crap, it's Tom Bombadil!!! Run Away, Run Away!!!!!

THE END

- - -
© Jedi Tookwalker (aka Lisa) 2002.