EPISODE I: The Jedi Hobbit Strikes Back

A LONG TIME AGO in a hobbit hole far, far away, there lived a jedi hobbit. It wasn't a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. Now this jedi hobbit lived by himself...oh what is a jedi hobbit? Perhaps I shall describe them, for they are getting rare.

A jedi hobbit is one of the small folk, with large, hairy feet and curly brownish hair. They are almost always seen with a pipe and a lightsaber, the weapons of a jedi hobbit. Jedi hobbits were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire. With their unique skill of smoking pipeweed and mastering the force, this rare breed of hobbits protected the galaxy. What is the force, you ask? The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

One day, there was a very unexpected guest knocking at the jedi hobbit's door. "Half a moment! My, my...who can that be. I was just about to sit down and have a few puffs." The jedi hobbit sighed and walked to the door. As he opened the door, his face broke into a smile as he was reacquainted with his old friend from the Clone Wars.
"Master Gandalf! It is a pleasure!" greeted the jedi hobbit.
"Why if it isn't Jedi Tookwalker! You don't look a day older," hugged Gandalf.
"How are things with the Council?" asked Tookwalker.
"Not good, I'm afraid. There are disturbances in the force. I can feel it. The tension amongst the council will soon break." Master Gandalf looked worried.
"Hmmm...that is disconcerning to hear. What does Master Kenobi have to say about this?"
"Well, he has tried to reconcile the two sides but to no avail. I fear there will be trouble ahead with the one called Darth Saruman. He's gone by many aliases, the most recent being Count Dooku. But he is all the same man, an overlord obsessed with minions and destroying the dawn of men. He has bred a new race of clones, born in the bowels of the planet Isengard. He plans galaxy domination."
[cue Darth Vader theme]

Meanwhile, on the Planet Isengard, a place filled with darkness and ruin caused by the fires of industry, Darth Saruman spoke from his balcony. "A new power is rising!" He raised his arms. "There will be no dawn for these Jedi hobbits!!" The clone army cheers triumphantly. Evil laughter abounds....

On Coruscant, a Jedi Council meeting was called. General Obi-wan spoke of the ill news concerning Darth Saruman. "...So you see, we must put an end to this evil tyrant. The Jedis MUST prevail!"
"And how do you suppose we do that? He has grown in power." one of the Jedis answered.
Obi-wan looked determined. "We WILL stop him. As long as the force is on our side we can protect the world from injustice and fight for peace!" [dramatic pose]
There were some mutterings and whispers amongst the council. No one seemed convinced. Then, all of a sudden, the door opened and in walked the one and only jedi hobbit.
"JEDI TOOKWALKER!!" they all exclaimed.
"Yes, I have come back to you now. I will rid the universe of this evil so the galaxy will be at peace once again." Thus spoke the valiant jedi hobbit as he walked back out, took a jedi starfighter, and set out for Isengard.
"May the pipeweed be with you, Master Tookwalker," whispered Obi-wan.

Upon arriving at Isengard, Darth Saruman could feel the jedi hobbit's presence. "Ahh...the force is strong with this one. MINIONS!!! Come forth and attack!" The minions marched triumphantly towards the spot where Tookwalker landed. "My, my, this is such a desolate and dreary place. Half a moment! What is that?" Tookwalker spotted the incoming troops up ahead. He whipped out his lightsaber, took a puff from his pipe, and set off for Darth Saruman's Tower of Eternal Darkness. For a hobbit, he was very swift and quiet, thus escaping the minions and headed straight to Darth Saruman. "My business is with Isengard tonight. Not with his puny minion scum!" yelled the jedi hobbit in a battle cry. Tookwalker walked up the black marble steps of the Tower and approached Darth Saruman's chamber. "Ahhh...look who the Jedi Council sent to defeat me. A jedi hobbit!" His laughs echoed the lonely room. "None shall defeat me, my strength in the force has surpassed all!"
"Your mind is clouded by the dark side, Saruman. The dark side can not be trusted. It will betray you." said Tookwalker.
"Hmmph. Let us see who will prevail, if your skill at the lightsaber is as good as your words." And with that Darth Saruman took out his red lightsaber ready to attack.
But Tookwalker was quick and flew in the air. He striked at Saruman but the Dark Lord blocked. On and on they dueled until it seemed like it would last forever. But alas! Saruman striked Tookwalker and knocked his lightsaber out of his hand. "Haha! No living man may hinder me, fool!" shouted Darth Saruman. But Tookwalker was not yet ready to give up. He used the force to grab Saruman's lightsaber right out of his hand! He cast it aside and then used the force to lift Saruman in the air. His cries filled the air, but they were cries of anger, not of fright as Tookmaster made Saruman fly right out to the balcony.
"Saruman, do you understand now? Will you come back to the good side with us?" yelled Tookmaster, as the winds were growing strong and it was hard to hear.
"NEVER!! I will kill you all!" And with that Saruman tried to counter the good force with his bad force but it backfired. It caused him to spin around faster and faster until it stopped and he fell right off his balcony into the shadowy abyss below. That was the end of Darth Saruman. From then on, Tookwalker was known as Saruman's bane, the jedi hobbit who smote his enemy upon the Tower of Eternal Darkness.

And thus ends our tale of Jedi Tookwalker, the jedi hobbit. Until next time, MAY THE PIPEWEED BE WITH YOU! [cue star wars theme]

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disclaimer: all star wars characters, quotes, names © George Lucas; all Hobbit names, quotes © J.R.R Tolkien; story and idea © padawan Lisa.